


Coping

by Tomhollandsfandom



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coping, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:42:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21866932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tomhollandsfandom/pseuds/Tomhollandsfandom
Summary: A quick story of Cas helping Sam cope with Jack's death.
Relationships: Castiel/Sam Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	Coping

"You're in pain." Cas greeted me at the entry of our- my room. An empty laugh escaped me. 

I covered my mouth and shook my head, "I'm fine." That was all I said leaving silence hang in the air as Cas hesitantly walked in. He sat down on the bed next to me and reached for both my hands. Preventing me from hiding the quiver my lips couldn't escape. 

He didn't say anything for a while, "I'm sorry." I was trying to distract myself from what he was talking about. I didn't want to think about it. I can't think about it. 

"Cas, I'm fine." I pleaded he didn't look up which I was thankful for. The tears forming were hard to blink away. 

"You're not fine. You weren't fine the first time. You are not fine now." Cas said, unfortunately, looking up. He freed a hand to cup my face. "It is alright to cry, Sam. You need to cry." His voice sounded so gentle and it took everything in me to resist the temptation. I shook my head and my eyes darted away to a wall. I tried to think of anything else but it went right back to him. 

"No, I can't Cas. I can't do that." I said taking his hand from my face back into his lap. I couldn't seem to release his hands though. 

"Why not?" He asked I studied our hands as I tried to hold my breath steady. 

"I- I can't because once I start, " I bit the inside of my cheek and shook my head, looking away. Stop thinking about it, stop thinking about it. You're fine. You are fine. "Once I start, I know I won't stop," I said letting go of our hands and turned away from Cas completely. Doing my best to blink away the tears that wouldn't listen to me. 

I was hoping with the feeling of the bed move, that he was going to leave. Instead, he moved closer and hugged me. 

"I'm sorry," I whispered and I wish I didn't because it's what broke me. "I'm so sorry Cas if I had just- just been there for him- if I didn't listen to Dean- if I got to him quicker- if I-" I couldn't get any more words out.

Shaking in his arms, I was trying to pull back the tears that were falling. I can't breathe. I need to throw up. I can't. It's too overwhelming. I need an escape. I need to hug Jack. I need him to be here. I need to wake up from this awful nightmare. I need everything that is happening to stop. 

"Sam, breathe," Cas commanded and I tried to but a sob escaped me instead. More tumbled out after and they only worsened as Cas laid us down. I collapsed into his arms and I couldn't breathe as I wept. I was trying to calm down but every time I did- it would sink in. He is gone. Jack is gone and I am one of the reasons why. 

"Ca-ca-, " I was silenced as he whispered a mantra of reassurance, and his hands worked their way into my hair. The crying didn't stop. The memories didn't stop. The pain won't stop. How could I let this happen? Fuck God, fuck Lilith, fuck- just fuck.

The pain in my throat worsened with every sob. I couldn't see, I couldn't stop the noise that was getting louder, I can't do anything but cry. 

Cas held on as I was shaking, I heard Eileen's footsteps but I couldn't look up at her. I needed to calm down but how could I? She left after signing to Cas. He couldn't sign back but Eileen still nodded before leaving. 

I was starting to calm down when another memory of him would pop up and I was back to sobbing. 

Tissues were handed to me by Cas, while I didn't initially hear or see Eileen I knew she was the one who handed them to Cas and I wanted to apologize to her. All I could do is weep louder than before. I took the tissues but all I could do was raise them to my nose and use it as a muffler. I felt disgusting and wanted to stop, but I couldn't. 

This felt worse than losing anyone else. The last thing I did for Jack has locked him in a fucking box. Cas had promised him safety and all I did was hurt him. I didn't deserve to be comforted. I don't deserve to cry for him. 

Cas continued to soothe me while I was shaking in his arms. Whimpering with every movement. "He wasn't even three," I cried and Cas whispered back I know.

I couldn't hear anything over my sobs and we stayed like that until my body was too weak to move anymore. "Sam, I'm going to get you water. I'll be right back." Cas whispered, slowly releasing me. 

Despite the aching pain, I sat up and heard Dean walk in. "Come here." He didn't whisper like Cas, and when I moved in for a hug he stood me up. He held me up as I started to sob again. 

"It's okay, Sam. It's okay." He said as he held my head. It didn't calm me down it made me worse. 

"Sammy. You can't disassociate yourself, " I felt heavier at that moment, "Promise me you'll talk to me when it gets too much. Promise me you won't let this consume you." Dean begged his voice wasn't steady like it was when he walked in. "Sam, promise me," Dean begged to squeeze me tighter. 

"I promise." He held me there a moment longer whispering to let it out. It was difficult to breathe which I think he caught onto. 

"Breathe Sammy, breathe." I listened and did my best, I was slowly calming down. He kept whispering to just breathe until I stopped crying. 

"What do you need?" 

"Sleep." 

"Okay, Cas is getting you water first. You need it, then you can sleep. Do you want to sleep in here, if not you can sleep in my room?" Dean assured me, I was still shaky as I was sniffling. 

"I don't care I just want to sleep." He nodded and held me tighter for a moment before helping me over to Cas who had returned. 

"If he sleeps in here, I'll stay just in case he panics," Cas promised, Dean okayed it and slowly let me stand on my own. 

"I can't pass Jack's room. I just can't." They nodded in understatement and Dean left as I got ready to sleep. Cas saw Eileen and they were able to sign as I slipped out of my normal clothes into comfortable ones. 

When I was done I got into bed and I saw Eileen walking away as Cas closed the door.

I pulled the blankets tight, Cas took his trench coat off and laid down next to me. Instinctively I rolled close to him, he opened his arms and held me. I didn't fight the feeling of my eyelids and closed them, ignoring the tears that were still falling. 

I listened to his heart as I relaxed into sleep. I felt a cool air wash over me before I was pulled into a soft memory of Jack. 

* * *

I woke up and looked at the clock in my room. It read at 2:00 a.m. I felt a shift in the room. It felt peaceful in a strange way.

Cas kissed the top of my head, and I hugged him closer before dozing off again. 

* * *

"How are you holding up?" Cas asked as I joined him in the kitchen. 

"Better than yesterday," I said which he accepted with a nod. 

Dean came in and went straight for the cereal. He grabbed Jack's favorite, surprisingly it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. 

Cas reached over and held my hand, I squeezed his hand with a small smile and watched as the cereal fell to the ground before Dean could pour it into his bowl. 

I shared a look with Cas and he looked just as surprised. Dean was complaining as he picked up the mess, muttering the entire time. 

"Is it possible for him to come back as a ghost?" I asked quietly and Cas shook his head. I nodded and looked back at the mess. The cool air I felt before was there again, it didn't feel like Cas, as familiar as it felt, I couldn't place it. But I did feel a little more at peace. 


End file.
